You may wonder what in the world is cocooning?! The attachment/adoptive experts who work with adoptive families recommend that once the adoptive children come home, you "cocoon" with them, making their world small and with the goal of starting the attachment process. We have read that for every year an adoptive child has spent out of your home you should plan to spend a month at home. We are planning on spending about six months making S and V's world small. We will gauge all of our decisions on how they are doing with all the changes in their lives.
Our girls have learned that a number of caregivers can take care of them, all depending on who is on which shift, vacation, has left their position, etc. Most likely they have had a number of different caregivers over their time in the orphanage. They have learned to turn to whatever adult is near to get their needs met. They need to learn that not all adults are equal in their lives---that a "mother" and "father" is different than a caregiver. S and V need to learn to turn to Bill and me for all their needs---physical, emotional, medical, spiritual, and social. That we are "forever", that we won't leave them.
One essay I read that really helped us understand what the changes for the children is like is this one from Cynthia Hockman-Chupp.
A Different Perspective
Imagine for a moment…
You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every
quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every
free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks
into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant
by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one
else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately
tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.
The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are
finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted
from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are
next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who
will be with you for the rest of your life.
The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your
eyes and immediately look for his face.
But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who
is this man? Where is your beloved?
You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he
doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling
for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on
the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is
okay.
But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he
return? When? What has happened to him?
Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache
silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you.
You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally
or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has
happened...that your sweetheart is gone.
You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with
soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone,
away from him and any intimate words or contact.
Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning
to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black,
not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his
bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in
it.
More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next
to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the
hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is
familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?
You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room
filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are
confused. And worried.
The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you
up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled
to see you.
You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your
beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he
seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts
your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and
leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and
waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.
The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else
to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you
grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is
long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you
into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs
flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another
guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to
another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow
gives you a big hug and messes your hair.
Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest
hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in
some language you've never heard before.
He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks
different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange.
Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone
told him that you like your coffee black.
You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours,
staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet
aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries
to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away,
pretending to go to sleep.
People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you
look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's
hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how
quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of
the happiness.
Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away.
Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this
house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from
experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next
one to come along.
Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you
expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great
that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to
yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly
take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller
Along with the cocooning process, we will need to be very careful about how many people they see. When someone comes to visit (and visits won't be for awhile), we ask that you don't let the girls hug you or sit on your lap---high fives would be great. We want all the "connecting" kinds of touch to come from Bill and I.
Bill and I talked about all the changes S and V will have in their lives--multiple plane rides, a new home, new siblings, new language, new foods, new sights and smells, new faces.....the only thing that will be the same is that they will have each other. And the climate:) Although I think we are colder and have had much more snow this winter.
One thing that Dr. Karyn Purvis discusses in her materials is that families can "pay now, or pay later"---either taking time initially to attach and connect or having to work through much more later. Both Bill and I agree that we would rather "pay" initially, spending our summer with our girls at home and helping them understand what a family is and who we are as Mom and Dad, not caregivers but so much more.
This cocooning time will be short in the big picture--we know it will be a change for our family and for those of you who are used to seeing us.
I have a number of other posts I will do on cocooning---we have had so many people ask our adoption/foster care ministry for information on the "nuts and bolts" of cocooning so I hope to share what we have learned.
