Thursday, March 27, 2014

Got me thinking.....

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. 
Frank A. Clark

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Cocooning.....part 2

I have found a fantastic book that outlines how to cocoon.  Our adoption/foster care ministry has been looking for a "how-to" guide for awhile and recently I stumbled across this book--




Gotcha! Welcoming Your Adopted Child Home


What a find!  It is a relatively quick read and really goes into why cocooning is important and how to do it.  So thankful to have this as a resource!!

Here is the information I found online that led me to the author and her book:


CocooningTM With Your Newly Adopted Child
By Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D.

Developing trust and security is the first building block in children's social-emotional development. Children with this foundation have more positive relationships with their parents, learn more easily, get along better with peers, and manage conflict better than children without this foundation.

Take a minute and imagine leaving everyone and everything you have ever known to live with strangers in a strange place, then having to do it all over again but now you are with strangers in a foreign country with a language you don’t understand. This describes the minimum of an adopted orphaned child’s early experience. What emotions do you
imagine you would feel in her shoes? Fear, anger, sadness, loneliness and hopelessness? Yes, these emotions are typical. It is important to remember that your child has lived with these emotions for most of her life, is living with them right now and will be living with them to some degree for a long time.

CocooningTM is one of the most important things you can do to develop a secure, trusting, strong relationship between you and your newly adopted child. Cocooning also helps you become familiar with your new child, her temperament, abilities and challenges. Cocooning helps newly adopted children adjust to a new home and family members. Ultimately, Cocooning helps parents provide a safe haven for their new child.

The following are 5 steps for Cocooning. These steps apply to day-to-day life with your newly adopted child for 0 months to 1 year following homecoming.

1. Keep your child with you and stay close to home. Be sure to keep your newly adopted child with one parent and stay home as much as possible. This is difficult for most people, especially when you have other children. There are things that must be taken care of outside of the home, such as taking siblings to and from their activities, doctor’s appointments, shopping. It’s important, however, to make every effort to keep these outings with your newly adopted child to a minimum for a while and it’s essential that one parent keep the child close by most of the time. Try to find help from friends, family and/or church to help you with these outside activities. I’ve found that it’s helpful for the family to assemble a “respite team” of people who want to help orphans but don’t feel called to adopt.

2. Keep new toys and music simple.  Early developmental play is essential for healthy emotional & cognitive development. Children adopted out of orphan care or foster care often missed out on this type of play. Choose toys that are appropriate for 0 - 1 year of age, no matter the age of your child. Keep the number of toys to a minimum. Toys such as shape sorters, pull toys and blocks provide versatility, durability, attractiveness, and ease of use, limits sensory over-stimulation and helpgive the child a sense of self. These toys are not intended to be educational. Yes, it will help brain development, but the purpose of these toys is to help your child develop a secure attachment with you and to begin to heal her emotional wounds. Your sensitivity and responsiveness and the pleasurable, relaxed encounters cuddling and playing with these toys will make this possible.

Avoid electronic toys, videos, television and other electronic devices such as iPads during this time.

3. Be present with your child. Watch, listen, be quiet. Being present in the moment is an unknown experience for many Americans. More typically we are distracted by our "to do list," worries or expectations - anything but the present moment. To be present in the moment take a few slow, gentle breaths in through your nose, filling your abdomen and out quietly through our mouth. Do this once for every letter of your name. Notice the sights, sounds, and physical sensations you’re experiencing in the moment. When you’re truly present with your child, you are allowing her to be just as she is right in this moment. You let go of expectations for your child or yourself. You marvel at your child and at yourself.

4. Look beyond negative behavior. Instead of viewing negative behavior as manipulation and defiance, try to see your child’s unmet early developmental needs being expressed: fear of abandonment, anger at being abandoned shame of rejection.

Tommy, a four year old boy who was 13 months old on his Gotcha! Day, was feeling scared and anxious about because his mother had just left for an overnight trip. Not understanding these emotions and being unable to express these emotions, he became distractible, overactive and defiant. Kneeling down beside his son, his father stated, “You have some big feelings inside.” Tommy put his hand on dad’s knee and leaned against him. His father added, “I wonder if you might have some feelings about Mommy going away.” Tommy said meekly, “She won’t come back.” Dad then proceeded to reassure Tommy that mommy would return, told him that he also missed her and put a her framed photo in a spot Tommy could see frequently. He also stayed closer to Tommy and spent a little more time playing and reading with him until mother returned.

Just like this father, when your child is acting out, consider what needs might be underlying this negative behavior. Provide her a sense of safety by comforting and nurturing her while teaching limits in a kind manner.

5. Keep Cocooning time simple and frequent, but not continuous. Both you and your child need a break from each other.

Cocooning is simple, but how easy it is depends on the individual adult. If you are comfortable with being in the moment, at ease with your child and patient, then

Cocooning will come easily. If you have high expectations for yourself and your child, find it difficult to be still and playing with children is a little out of your comfort zone, then Cocooning will be more challenging for you. However, follow these simple steps and read Gotcha! Welcoming Your Adopted Child Home, and you can be a natural!



The Gotcha! book has a lot more detailed information---highly suggest it for anyone considering adoption or in the process.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Happy Birthday Sweet V!

Today you turn 5!  Such a wonderful age!




We love your beautiful smile and the sparkle in your eyes precious V!  We can't wait to hold your pudgy hands and cuddle with you.  We pray that today you are celebrated---maybe you will get a special treat for your birthday.  We will all be praying for a special day for you.  You are a beautiful little girl sweet V!



We are all excited to get to know you more and more.  We have been told you love the outdoors , as well as music and dancing and books.  We can't wait to explore the beauty of creation with you, marveling with you at butterflies and birds and frogs.


We are all anxious to dance and sing together.  I can't wait to cuddle with you and read many, many books together, especially some of our favorites.




You are an amazing treasure V!  We pray that you will find out soon that you have a family waiting to come for you.  We love you sweet girl!  We celebrate that this is the last birthday you will have in an orphanage.




Tuesday, March 11, 2014

One day out of 365.....

Only God could orchestrate the day my precious father died to be the same day our youngest daughter celebrates her birth.  When we found out V's birthday, I truly couldn't believe it.  It was such a shock to get the call on March 12th that Dad was gone from his earthly life and had joined Jesus in heaven.  We had celebrated his 80th birthday the month before and had a wonderful day!  Later that evening, something from the party (could have been too much shrimp--one of his favorites:)) didn't sit so well with him.  Mom and I were up with him many, many times overnight with Dad feeling like he was going to get sick--which meant raising his hospital bed so he would be upright (Dad had a stroke 16 years before and both legs amputated so would need help in different ways).  I loved sitting with him on his bed, rubbing his back and neck, getting him cool washcloths.  I loved sharing the night talking with him. Many times that night, I thought about how one day I would look back on that night of caring for him and be so thankful I was there. I never realized it would be so soon.



How I miss my wonderful father!  In so many ways.  I miss his love for Mom, his ability to keep her laughing and full of energy as she cared for him.  I miss his sense of humor, always coming up with one-liners that had us rolling in laughter.  I miss his eyes sparkling with joy when he greeted us,  giving each one of us his full attention.  I miss his amazing way of connecting with all his grandkids, caring about what each was doing and spending time talking with them.  I miss eating waffles with him in the mornings we were there (and his many attempts to get more!).  I miss being amazed at his memory and his awesome crosswords ability--he truly wowed all of us with his memory!  I miss his love---loving me always for who I was, never making me feel like I needed to change in order to have him love me. Accepting me as an individual and allowing me to do what I desired and step back from those things that weren't for me (track, huh Pete?! )  I thank God for the blessing of being raised by such a wonderful man---a man who walked his talk and who truly defined a godly man.  Who touched so many in his life through how he lived out his faith.  Someone who taught us all what loving your spouse and children meant.  Someone who taught me so much about my Heavenly Father through how he lived out his life and faith.   I rejoice in knowing that he is with his Savior and his daughter and  rejoice in knowing that I will see him again one day.  But I do miss him so much.

When Bill and I decided to start a family, I told Bill the only month I didn't want to have a baby was April.    My dear sister Jenny's birthday was in April, and she died in April (five years before).  Our due date for our first child was in January.   We ended up losing that baby, and I got pregnant again--with a due date of April 17.  God really does know how to help me work through those things I don't think I want to handle:)  Our sweet Jenny was born March 27th.

When I got pregnant with Jack, our due date was January 21st--the same due date for the baby we lost. Only God--out of 365 days.

So I again sit in wonder at His timing---the death of my wonderful father but also his homecoming date being the same as our youngest daughter's entry into this world.  Only God.  He is good!




Thursday, March 6, 2014

Got me thinking.....


"Life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change." 
 Ann Voskamp

Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Cocooning.....part 1

You may wonder what in the world is cocooning?!  The attachment/adoptive experts who work with adoptive families recommend that once the adoptive children come home, you "cocoon" with them, making their world small and with the goal of starting the attachment process.  We have read that for every year an adoptive child has spent out of your home you should plan to spend a month at home.  We are planning on spending about six months making S and V's world small. We will gauge all of our decisions on how they are doing with all the changes in their lives.

Our girls have learned that a number of caregivers can take care of them, all depending on who is on which shift, vacation, has left their position, etc.  Most likely they have had a number of different caregivers over their time in the orphanage.  They have learned to turn to whatever adult is near to get their needs met.  They need to learn that not all adults are equal in their lives---that a "mother" and "father" is different than a caregiver.  S and V need to learn to turn to Bill and me for all their needs---physical, emotional, medical, spiritual, and social.  That we are "forever", that we won't leave them.

One essay I read that really helped us understand what the changes for the children is like is this one from Cynthia Hockman-Chupp.

A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment…

You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.

But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.

But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.

You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.

Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.

You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to sleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.

Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.


--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller







Along with the cocooning process, we will need to be very careful about how many people they see.  When someone comes to visit (and visits won't be for awhile), we ask that you don't let the girls hug you or sit on your lap---high fives would be great.  We want all the "connecting" kinds of touch to come from Bill and I.

Bill and I talked about all the changes S and V will have in their lives--multiple plane rides, a new home, new siblings, new language, new foods, new sights and smells, new faces.....the only thing that will be the same is that they will have each other.  And the climate:)  Although I think we are colder and have had much more snow this winter.

One thing that Dr. Karyn Purvis discusses in her materials is that families can "pay now, or pay later"---either taking time initially to attach and connect or having to work through much more later.  Both Bill and I agree that we would rather "pay" initially, spending our summer with our girls at home and helping them understand what a family is and who we are as Mom and Dad, not caregivers but so much more. 

This cocooning time will be short in the big picture--we know it will be a change for our family and for those of you who are used to seeing us.

I have a number of other posts I will do on cocooning---we have had so many people ask our adoption/foster care ministry for information on the "nuts and bolts" of cocooning so I hope to share what we have learned.