I am a planner. Not over the top, but I like to think things through and plan once we've made a decision.
The other day I was talking to someone about how I thought things would be in one area of our adoption and how things have been---a difference between "my plans" and how things have fleshed out. While driving later, I got to thinking about how many different times in my life I had a vision or plans of how my future would be but God had different ones.
In 1987, I had graduated from college and was planning on getting a good job. But God--
---had different plans.
I kept interviewing and nothing materialized. I ended up living with my parents, working as a secretary and waitress for 10 months. But I wouldn't trade any job for the 9 months I had living with my precious sister Jenny. We grew so close over that time and made many wonderful memories together.
In 1989, I had planned to spend a summer living with Jenny.
But God---
--- had different plans.
Jenny was killed in a car accident caused by a drunk driver, and I was seriously hurt, having to move back in with Mom and Dad. My world was turned upside down. I realized what a precious gift life is, how so many things that seem important are trivial when you look eternity in the eyes. I learned a lot about my future husband Bill--someone who was a friend at the time but was such a compassionate person, calling to check on me and driving me to see friends. I learned the amazing gift of family. I learned how to forgive. I learned that the "importance" of a person wasn't how educated they were, how much they had materially, or based on their job---but so much more importantly, the impact they had on others. Sweet Jenny had touched so many people in her short life---showing the love of Christ to so many. I learned that life is a gift. I learned how quickly things can change.
I had planned that Bill would always be a good friend. But God--
---had different plans.
After being friends for seven years, Bill and I started dating and got married in 1993. How thankful I am to have such an amazing man as my husband---truly my best friend and someone who I am so thankful to walk this journey of life with.
In 1994, I got pregnant and was planning on having a baby in January 1995.
But God---
---had different plans.
My car was hit by a truck that ran a red which started the process of losing the baby that night. We were crushed and once again, saw how life can change in just a moment. I also learned how much I could love a child I never met.
After Jenny was born, I assumed Dad would be able to play with all our kids the way he did with Jenny---throwing her up in the air in the swimming pool, holding her hand while walking, and carrying her on his hip. But God--
---had different plans.
Dad had a massive stroke in 1996 and lost both legs in 2001. Our four youngest children would never know Papa without a wheelchair. But they learned to love hearing his stories about life, getting a one-armed hug, and helping Grandma put Papa into his chair. Our children learned that a person's worth isn't based on their body's condition. They also saw firsthand what a servant of God looks like and saw how someone can endure suffering with joy. We all learned how important a sense of humor is.
In 2000, Bill and I discussed adoption and were seriously considering adopting a 18+month old from Guatemala. We said we would consider physical needs but not developmental needs--we didn't know if we could handle them. We considered adopting because my doctor had said I would have longer and more restrictive bedrest than I had with Joe (12 weeks of bedrest) with any subsequent children. But God---
---had different plans.
We had Nate and Ellie with no bedrest. We learned that God truly is able---that He is our Great Physician and can do things that don't make sense to man, especially doctors. We also learned He has a good sense of humor! We don't have a child with physical needs but we have learned so much about parenting a child with developmental needs---and we are able to parent with His strength, guidance, wisdom and patience. And now we feel so comfortable with something we thought we couldn't handle that we are bringing two more children into our family with needs. And God also taught us that a person's worth isn't based on whether they can do age appropriate math and spelling. He taught us so much about what love really is---love with no conditions.
As I look back over my life and see all the areas where I thought I had figured out the best plan for my life and see the route that God took me on, I see the times that I have grown very much--grown in my understanding of His love for me, His faithfulness, and His provision. I see how He has stretched me and helped me have an eternal perspective, removing so often the desire to look at things in the small window of today. I have seen how His plans so often bring me so much more peace and joy than anything I could have planned, maybe not at the moment, but through the process of reflection. I have seen how good He is. I have seen that He is able.
As we journey down the road of adopting S and V, I know that I will have plans that won't come to fruition--that He has something completely different planned for me. I pray that we can be open and willing to accept His plans, knowing that His ways are so far beyond our ways.
After sister Jenny died, one of my brothers was traveling to come together with our family. He was struggling with losing Jenny and praying as he drove. He drove by the mile marker 139 and the "mile" portion had been crossed out and someone had written "Psalm" on top of it. My brother got home and read Psalm 139---a chapter that we all treasure.
Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in---behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light for you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them as my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
May He show us all that His plans are better than anything we could ask or imagine.
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